It’s been a difficult few weeks, mainly because I was triggered after returning to work, and I didn’t even realise I now have things that will trigger me.
This is my first job since I was ill six years ago. I was told then by my counsellor that I am what is known as a ‘doer’. It means I will always get things done, and do them well. The downside of that is that I will often be asked to do things because I can be relied upon, over and over again, piling the pressure on. This time I was told that I was being given a job because I was good at something that others struggle with, it was meant to be seen as a compliment, but I saw it as flannel. I am too old for that. But the most frightening thing was that my brain went into high alert, silently screaming ‘Oh no! It’s happening again, I cannot do this any more!’ It literally went into flight mode and I had no control over it. That is a frightening place to be.
Within a week I was in a depression, I could feel myself falling and I couldn’t stop. RD was so afraid because by the SaturdaymI had stopped answering my texts and communicating other than with my work face on.
But then work sent a co-worker to assist me and she was a breath of fresh air. She listened, that simple, she listened; and she made me laugh. In fact I started to see that the women who came to assist me in that second week were all brilliant in their own way. But more than anything they were kind, so kind.
So rather than dwell on negatives I will focus on the positives from this difficult time. I have changed their names in anagram form as much as possible here goes…
To Tan, who brought me new socks to wear because I had sent all my socks home, on the hope that the normal ferries would be working. I had to go home on Boaty McBoatface again, at 5am in the morning, so they were a Godsend. Also a big thanks for your support and making me laugh.
To Elvis, she will know who she is. Her ways brought me back, gave me something to smile about. What you saw was what you got, straight talking, but kind. Supportive in every way. She finished my last week off by buying fresh Jersey Royal potatoes and bringing them to me to bring home to RD. Then she came to see me with a freshly baked lemon drizzle cake that she made at midnight the night before, for RD. It’s the best lemon drizzle cake I have ever eaten.
Then there is Rhoma, who brought me two books, and we set up a chick lit book club. A lovely lady, who helped me understand it wasn’t me.
There is the lovely member of staff, who when I got upset cried with me, and hugged me. That small thing meant so much.
It all made me realise that I work with a wonderful group of people, who don’t have the recognition they deserve.
I am home now, sitting in my garden, treasuring this view. This will be our last summer here. The house is going on the market next week. Busy times.