Many of you may know that I am a journal writer. I write a journal, let all the things just pour out of my head, things I didn’t even know were in there, and then I read what I have written and can see clearly what I need to do. I always thought I couldn’t meditate, now it appears I have been without even realising it, because to truly journal you go to a meditative state.
But my biggest downfall is that I don’t do it enough. Today I woke up with indecision on my mind and thought of how I must (when my brain says that word it’s telling me I MUST) write my journal. But then I got to thinking about my blogs and how I haven’t written them as often as I really do want to…..
How many times have I ended my blogs with a promise that I will write more? In fact I haven’t written in my other blog for over a year!
I do want to write, but the move and some negativity from others have (I think) held me back where writing is concerned. I know that some toxic people will read this blog, I know that some toxic people do read this blog, but hey! Isn’t that part and parcel of blogging?
In addition I have been reading some new books that have taken my understanding of the world to a new level, and I have only just started to read them.
As part of all these things I have to consider why I am not writing, and also many things about the near future. I have to ask myself am I letting other people affect my life? Isn’t it interesting how often I have already used the word ‘have’? So today I am going to write this blog in the same way as I would write my journal. As the wonderful Ellen who reads this blog says ‘It’s all copy.’
Over the past few months I can see very clearly how people try to get into your heads, expecting explanations, throwing comments in to engage you in explanations. I’m not playing that game. John Wayne always said that to apologise or explain is a sign of weakness….
Although I am never afraid to apologise I can see how some people would see that as a weakness and hoover it up. I have come to understand that it is them who perceive the weakness, not that you are weak per se.
So from that perhaps we have to consider who we apologise to, and the type of person they are before we apologise. In fact giggling to myself now I can remember times when I have apologised to people only for them to continue to be rude, which resulted in me then saying ‘Oh d’ya know what I take that back I’m not fucking sorry!’ I wonder how many of you are giggling now, because you too have done this.
So over to explanations. Isn’t it interesting how people ask you things where the only answer would be an explanation: Why aren’t you going to get them to do it? Are you going to be able to fit that all in? Or make statements like ‘I don’t think that will work’ and isn’t it interesting how our default position is to go on to explain our decision, or why we are doing something. Why do we do that?
I am not doing that anymore. I have some decisions to make. But I have already made one: I will be writing every day this week, my work is closed for a week, as is their tradition, so I have some time to make more decisions and write more.